I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
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People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.