I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report