*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
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WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I think the cat got the dog high.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
What kind of a cult is this?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never