Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
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Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.