One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
You Might Also Like
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Sing it!
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
pelicons
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.