The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
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Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
October already? What’s next? November????
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.