Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
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The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
who wants to go expliring
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
that’s really how it is
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.