Catercrombie & Fish
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I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.