At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
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Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?