ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
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Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Skills
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer