The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
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I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.