Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
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Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
😂💯
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.