DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Brands during Pride
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome