I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
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I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I think they could have phrased this better
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Life with a cat in one tweet
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.