Fights fire with marshmallows
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Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!