No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
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[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
*lint rolls you awake*
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.