You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.