Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
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Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.