What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
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[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I believe the plural is “milves.”
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about