Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
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I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.