Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
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I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Encore…
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”