My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
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Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.