My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
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Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me sliding into hell like
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.