Trains are just sideway elevators.
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Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.