Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
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Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.