I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
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If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Smells like a challenge to me
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car