Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
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My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Love this one 😂🧟
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?