Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
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me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
😩😩😩
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.