hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac