Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
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Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
what does he know…
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.