I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
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30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]