People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
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Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious