My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
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On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap