[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
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People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
THIS HEADLINE
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”