Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
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I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.