Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
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Canadian owl: Eh?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.