For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on