One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.