Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
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Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I want what they have
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.