Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
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Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.