I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
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Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.