Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
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Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
#CatsOnTwitter
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”