Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
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Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Hell yeah 👍
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Breaking news:
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
There is no “ea” in Tim.