#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
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Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.