I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
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I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Traveler’s camo