My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
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Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.