Everyone’s family
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Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
me when the borders lift
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.