I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
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Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT