The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
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If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.