I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
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BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
#Caturday
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.